I woke up a few moments ago after tossing and turning all night long unable to sleep. I've been doing so for the past couple of days. There's a certain restlessness I haven't quite been able to pinpoint. I believe it may have something to do with the fact that this year, 2010, is one day from coming to a close. Most of the time, on the last few days of the year, most of us are too busy making plans for the parties we're going to attend, cleaning up after the Christmas chaos and some, like me, trying to come up with a few New Year's resolutions - I'll be trying to do that shortly. However, I think my restlessness comes from trying to make sense of what has turned out to be one of the most difficult years I can remember having had in a long time. I would like to reflect for a moment, try to put things into perspective, if possible, and see what are some of the life lessons I need to learn, in order that I can move on, grow and be at peace in my heart, maybe becoming just a little wiser along the way.
The old saying "when it rains it pours" comes to mind when describing the year I've had. Like thousands of other Floridians, my years started off on the unemployment line, one of the states hardest hit by the recent recession, followed by having to say goodbye to one of my companions, Cody. I believe Cody was an angel trying to disguise himself as a dog. He came into my life when he was almost two years old after having been surrendered to the animal shelter twice. I remember the day I adopted him like it was yesterday. He stole my heart the minute I saw him in the cage as he jumped towards me, put one paw on each of my shoulders giving me a hug and a big kiss. He continued doing so every single day for the next eight years. He brought me so much joy, showed me the meaning of pure, unconditional love each and every moment we were together, managed to give me his fair share of headaches, which only made him seem that much more human. I miss our morning hugs, the twinkle in his eyes, his gentle soul. Years earlier, when I first adopted him, someone gave me a present - "A Dog's Prayer". There was never a moment when I read the last paragraph that I didn't cry like a baby (just as I'm doing right now).
"And beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest - and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands."
At the time, I never stopped to imagine what it would feel like the day I would actually have to say goodbye to one of my own. Those last few moments driving him to the vet late that night, knowing I would be driving home alone, knowing he had placed all of his trust and faith in me to do the right thing, were some of the most difficult in my life. I'm proud to say I did the right thing in spite of the unbearable pain and sorrow I felt that night. I sat down on the floor, lay him on my lap as I held him in my arms, wrapped him in his favorite blanket and looked into his eyes. I told him how much I loved him, how much better my life had been because of him, how much I was going to miss him and that I would carry him in my heart every day of my life. I did this over and over again as he slowly closed his eyes and took his last breath in my arms. My heart broke that night, May 10, 2010. It happened to be Mother's Day and one day before my birthday. He had been so brave, fighting his kidney disease for over a year, probably more for me than for him. A year earlier, on the day of his diagnosis, I swore that together we would fight the good fight but I would never allow myself to keep him here with me if he was going to be in any sort of pain. I hope he's looking down on me now and he's proud that I was able to live up to that promise, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
"CODY"
In Loving Memory
Always and Forever in My Heart
1998 - 2010
The silver lining, if there can ever be such a thing after something like this (for us animals lovers I mean, as I'm sure you non-animal lovers are cringing in disbelief) is that I was able to finally get a job. I was able to keep busy working with people I care about and doing something I enjoy. Of course, things didn't remain that way for long.
My best friend, my partner, my lover for ten years decided to send me an email after a recent trip to see his daughters, to let me know that he didn't wish to continue our relationship anymore. How's that for the icing on the cake!!!?? It's bad enough your heart gets broken, but in an email???? I admit things had been very bad for a while, but nobody with an ounce of integrity spends ten years making promises and then, after not living up to a single one, doesn't have the decency to look you in the face, like a true man and end things in person. This is a person whom for ten years I gave the benefit of the doubt to, in spite of all the signs, of the "I'm warning you, he's lying" of my own gut. I trusted him completely, I believed he was looking out for both of our best interests. It turns out he had only one agenda - his needs, his desires, his dreams and those of his family and his "so-called ex". To my surprise, as I write this, he's already back together and vacationing in New Orleans and as one big, happy family. How many people do you know that go on vacation with their "ex's"? My sentiments exactly. It seems the "ex" part of the story was only for my benefit. So much for being a man of honesty and integrity (his favorite words to use when describing himself). For months and months I began to question my own sanity, as my heart wanted to believe one thing and my gut continued telling me something else. Through it all, I still wanted to believe in this person whom, for ten years, stuck to his story, in spite of breaking one promise after another with no remorse whatsoever. Every few months there was another perfectly good explanation or reason why his "promises" had to change - and I had no right to ask any questions. "You don't have to understand my reasons, just accept them" (another one of his favorite remarks to me). After months, no, years of questions and fighting, he no longer had a good enough reason to justify his actions. His web of lies and deceit were unraveling. So instead, he had the audacity to throw the typical accusations my way: you're insecure, jealous, paranoid and even went as far as to call me negative, sick and crazy. I heard this so much, I actually began believing I was. I began not trusting myself, my thoughts, my behavior, my actions. How do you NOT turn into all those things when the person you trust most on earth BETRAYS you in such a way and at the same time can look at you straight in the eyes, at your very weakest, and lie to you - over and over and over again without flinching?? Everyone has a breaking point and I finally, after ten years of believing, having faith, trusting him, reached mine. Actions speak louder than words and his spoke volumes. They pointed out everything I always suspected and felt. Who's the crazy one now? How do you live with yourself when you lie to everyone you say you care about; your children, your girlfriend, your "ex"? What a shallow life that must be. How can someone keep up the sharade for so long? He said he got tired of the questions....I would like to say, I think he got tired of the web of lies he created. There's only so many hours in a day and living a double life has to be exhausting.
To have loved someone so much, trusted so completely and been betrayed in the manner I was leaves me wondering at the very least, how will I ever trust again? If there is such a thing as self preservation and instinct, where was mine all of these years that I could not see it, and if I did see it, why did I choose to ignore it? Why was believing his lies more important than trusting myself? That is what hurts most of all. The truth is, it's like he said, "I didn't put a gun to your head" in order that I believe all the lies...I did that all on my own. Hearts and dreams get broken everyday. How we use those experiences, those lessons, is what is most important of all. Some people choose to become victims/martyrs and ask themselves over and over again, "why me?". I'll be honest here, I did. Then you go through the rage, anger and bitterness phase. We all do - shock, disbelief, anger and then hopefully acceptance and finally moving on. Unfortunately, some people are never able to quite move on, the rage, the anger and the bitterness consumes them and they shut themselves off from loving or connecting with others, never able to move on. I have to be honest, I went through all of the different phases, sometimes more than once and in no particular order I might add. But I don't want to be one of those people that gets stuck. I want to love again, believe in the goodness of people again and I feel confident that I will have all of those things again, in due time. Just because I've made some very poor decisions in the past, doesnt mean I will always make them. At least I hope not.
I will be honest in saying that there is still a lot of hurt, anger and bitterness towards him but I know I have to let it go. I don't want to consider that the last ten years were wasted years, there were a lot of good moments. However, the longer I hold on to the anger, the hate, the bitterness, the more of my precious time is being consumed over someone that doesn't deserve a single thought or second of my life and all the goodness that I have to give wasted on him.
So here I am, two days before the end of this year filled with loss, pain and heartache. I am closing the book on it all. I am opening my heart and my soul to ALL of life's blessings and possibilities, knowing that I am well deserving of them all.
I wish all of you a Healthy, Happy and Prosperous New Year 2011. I know in my heart that it's going to be a great year!!!
