Think about it. I live in a large metropolitan city. There must be hundreds, if not thousands of heterosexual, single men. So what are the chances that out of all of those available men, my
Secret Admirer should turn out to be someone that works with my Ex in the very company he does and lives right around the corner from me? Wait, it gets better, he’s also from the same country….oh and wait, he seems to have a poetic flair, just like my Ex did. So much so, that yesterday when I walked out to my car, I was surprised by yet another card and a poem. It almost sent chills down my spine when I read it. It seemed eerily similar to an email that my Ex wrote me when he was first trying to win over my affection. I fell for that sweet talk once, I’m certainly not going to do it twice. Words on paper are just that, and in the beginning, it seems everyone will promise the world and everything in between, with no thought as to whether or not they can follow through with it.
I was brought up by a father whose moral code was exemplary. His word was his life. His word meant everything to him, as it should be. I honor him by doing just the same and trying to live my life in much the same way as he did. Others, like my Ex, love the sound of their own voice, constantly reminding everyone that their word is sacrosanct and therefore should never be questioned or judged; yet their actions indicate the complete opposite. I feel truly sorry for people like him and others that live by such a sub-standard moral code….lying to the very people they claim to love and even to themselves, so much so, that they begin to believe the very lies they tell to be their truth.
I’m sure there are one or two people out there that would venture to say I’m taking a harsh or somewhat radical stand towards what should otherwise be thought of as a very simple, romantic gesture. True. I probably am. Unfortunately, experience has taught me otherwise. Being naive and taking everything at face value seemed to work when I was 20+ but can't possibly be a smart alternative at my age. My very nature is to believe in the goodness of people, it's who I am, how I was brought up and what has brought about the most heartache in my life. Your word is and should always be your truth, it's who you are. It hurts me to say this but it is not how most people operate anymore. It seems a person's word is only as good as how it may benefit them in the long run.
It is going to be six months since my relationship ended. Life is pretty much back to normal for the most part. However, I still have not been able to come to terms with the betrayal; the loss of innocence (as silly as that sounds coming from a 44 year old woman). Almost everyone I know has asked me how I believed the "promises" for as long as I did - I just did. You make a promise to someone, especially to someone you love or claim to love, you have to know in your heart, in your very being, that you intend or are capable of keeping that promise, otherwise, what do you have left?
As I venture out into the dating scene again, I pray that I can once again find that childhood innocence that was such a part of who I was that was stolen from me by my Ex. The belief that people are for the most part good; that they don't always have hidden agendas. If I don't, I fear the road ahead will be a very long and lonely one. As for my Secret Admirer, the fact remains that now that I know who he is, there is absolutely no interest on my part. Oh well, the fantasy was nice while it lasted.
