Gratitude for the things in my life

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." - Epictetus

I believe we often put too much pressure on ourselves this time of year. We make a list of "resolutions", things we hope to change, improve upon or eliminate altogether in the New Year. Unfortunately, we know all too well that most of us fail miserably at most, if not all of them. We set ourselves up for dissappointment from the get-go. In an effort not to begin the New Year on the wrong foot, instead, I'd like to make a list of things that I'm greatful for in my life. We're surrounded by so much negativity most of the time, it's hard to take stock in all the things that we have in our lives that we can be greatful for. Sure, I know I'm human, and as such, I have flaws and far from perfect, but if I really think about it, there is so much more good than bad. So here goes:

1. New beginnings.  Every day that I am here I have the opportunity to start over, to change, to grow, to renew myself.
2. Being at peace.
3. The love and continued support of my family and friends.
4. My health.
5. My dogs and all of the funny and loving things they do each and every day.  How they teach me unconditional love and how to live in the moment.
6. How every day I touch the lives of the people around me, and I do make a difference.
7. My house.  Especially this year when so many others lost theirs.
8. My car.  It may be old, but it hasn't let me down yet.  There are so many others that don't have the luxury of a car to get from place to place.
9. My morning cup of coffee, as the sun comes up, listening to the birds singing in the trees as the wind chimes blow.  It always brings a smile to my face.
10. When a friend looks at me and says, "I love you".
11. Music.
12. Hope.
13. Nature, trees, flowers, animals and the fact that I am able to enjoy them each and every day.
14. The food on my table.
15. Fresh, running water.
16. My ability to still be able to empathize with people, in spite of some very negative experiences I've had to live through.
17. When I realize that I am not all alone as I sometimes think I am. Instead, I am surrounded by people that love me and am finally rid of the people that don't have my best interests at heart.
18. The joy I get seeing the first bud come out of the ground from the seeds I've planted, then watching them grow and thrive.
19. How good it feels to lay my head down on my pillow at the end of a long day.
20. That I'm slowly learing that nothing is permanent - both good and bad so I should try to enjoy the good to the fullest, and take comfort that the bad soon shall pass.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." - Meister Eckhardt 



Reflections on a year gone by....

I woke up a few moments ago after tossing and turning all night long unable to sleep.  I've been doing so for the past couple of days.  There's a certain restlessness I haven't quite been able to pinpoint.  I believe it may have something to do with the fact that this year, 2010, is one day from coming to a close.  Most of the time, on the last few days of the year, most of us are too busy making plans for the parties we're going to attend, cleaning up after the Christmas chaos and some, like me, trying to come up with a few New Year's resolutions - I'll be trying to do that shortly.  However, I think my restlessness comes from trying to make sense of what has turned out to be one of the most difficult years I can remember having had in a long time.  I would like to reflect for a moment, try to put things into perspective, if possible, and see what are some of the life lessons I need to learn, in order that I can move on, grow and be at peace in my heart, maybe becoming just a little wiser along the way.

The old saying "when it rains it pours" comes to mind when describing the year I've had.  Like thousands of other Floridians, my years started off on the unemployment line, one of the states hardest hit by the recent recession, followed by having to say goodbye to one of my companions, Cody. I believe Cody was an angel trying to disguise himself as a dog.  He came into my life when he was almost two years old after having been surrendered to the animal shelter twice.  I remember the day I adopted him like it was yesterday.  He stole my heart the minute I saw him in the cage as he jumped towards me, put one paw on each of my shoulders giving me a hug and a big kiss. He continued doing so every single day for the next eight years.  He brought me so much joy, showed me the meaning of pure, unconditional love each and every moment we were together, managed to give me his fair share of headaches, which only made him seem that much more human.  I miss our morning hugs, the twinkle in his eyes, his gentle soul.  Years earlier, when I first adopted him, someone gave me a present - "A Dog's Prayer".  There was never a moment when I read the last paragraph that I didn't cry like a baby (just as I'm doing right now).

"And beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest - and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands."

At the time, I never stopped to imagine what it would feel like the day I would actually have to say goodbye to one of my own.  Those last few moments driving him to the vet late that night, knowing I would be driving home alone, knowing he had placed all of his trust and faith in me to do the right thing, were some of the most difficult in my life.  I'm proud to say I did the right thing in spite of the unbearable pain and sorrow I felt that night.  I sat down on the floor, lay him on my lap as I held him in my arms, wrapped him in his favorite blanket and looked into his eyes. I told him how much I loved him, how much better my life had been because of him, how much I was going to miss him and that I would carry him in my heart every day of my life. I did this over and over again as he slowly closed his eyes and took his last breath in my arms.  My heart broke that night, May 10, 2010. It happened to be Mother's Day and one day before my birthday.  He had been so brave, fighting his kidney disease for over a year, probably more for me than for him.  A year earlier, on the day of his diagnosis, I swore that together we would fight the good fight but I would never allow myself to keep him here with me if he was going to be in any sort of pain.  I hope he's looking down on me now and he's proud that I was able to live up to that promise, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

"CODY"

In Loving Memory

Always and Forever in My Heart

1998 - 2010

The silver lining, if there can ever be such a thing after something like this (for us animals lovers I mean, as I'm sure you non-animal lovers are cringing in disbelief) is that I was able to finally get a job.  I was able to keep busy working with people I care about and doing something I enjoy.  Of course, things didn't remain that way for long. 

My best friend, my partner, my lover for ten years decided to send me an email after a recent trip to see his daughters, to let me know that he didn't wish to continue our relationship anymore.  How's that for the icing on the cake!!!??  It's bad enough your heart gets broken, but in an email????  I admit things had been very bad for a while, but nobody with an ounce of integrity spends ten years making promises and then, after not living up to a single one, doesn't have the decency to look you in the face, like a true man and end things in person. This is a person whom for ten years I gave the benefit of the doubt to, in spite of all the signs, of the "I'm warning you, he's lying" of my own gut. I  trusted him completely, I believed he was looking out for both of our best interests. It turns out he had only one agenda - his needs, his desires, his dreams and those of his family and his "so-called ex".  To my surprise, as I write this, he's already back together and vacationing in New Orleans and as one big, happy family.  How many people do you know that go on vacation with their "ex's"?  My sentiments exactly.  It seems the "ex" part of the story was only for my benefit.  So much for being a man of honesty and integrity (his favorite words to use when describing himself).  For months and months I began to question my own sanity, as my heart wanted to believe one thing and my gut continued telling me something else.  Through it all, I still wanted to believe in this person whom, for ten years, stuck to his story, in spite of breaking one promise after another with no remorse whatsoever.  Every few months there was another perfectly good explanation or reason why his "promises" had to change - and I had no right to ask any questions.  "You don't have to understand my reasons, just accept them" (another one of his favorite remarks to me).  After months, no, years of questions and fighting, he no longer had a good enough reason to justify his actions.  His web of lies and deceit were unraveling.  So instead, he had the audacity to throw the typical accusations my way:  you're insecure, jealous, paranoid and even went as far as to call me negative, sick and crazy.  I heard this so much, I actually began believing I was.  I began not trusting myself, my thoughts, my behavior, my actions.  How do you NOT turn into all those things when the person you trust most on earth BETRAYS you in such a way and at the same time can look at you straight in the eyes, at your very weakest, and lie to you - over and over and over again without flinching??  Everyone has a breaking point and I finally, after ten years of believing, having faith, trusting him, reached mine.  Actions speak louder than words and his spoke volumes.  They pointed out everything I always suspected and felt.  Who's the crazy one now?  How do you live with yourself when you lie to everyone you say you care about; your children, your girlfriend, your "ex"?   What a shallow life that must be.  How can someone keep up the sharade for so long?  He said he got tired of the questions....I would like to say, I think he got tired of the web of lies he created.  There's only so many hours in a day and living a double life has to be exhausting.

To have loved someone so much, trusted so completely and been betrayed in the manner I was leaves me wondering at the very least, how will I ever trust again?  If there is such a thing as self preservation and instinct, where was mine all of these years that I could not see it, and if I did see it, why did I choose to ignore it?  Why was believing his lies more important than trusting myself?  That is what hurts most of all. The truth is, it's like he said, "I didn't put a gun to your head" in order that I believe all the lies...I did that all on my own.  Hearts and dreams get broken everyday.  How we use those experiences, those lessons, is what is most important of all.  Some people choose to become victims/martyrs and ask themselves over and over again, "why me?".  I'll be honest here, I did. Then you go through the rage, anger and bitterness phase.  We all do - shock, disbelief, anger and then hopefully acceptance and finally moving on. Unfortunately, some people are never able to quite move on, the rage, the anger and the bitterness consumes them and they shut themselves off from loving or connecting with others, never able to move on. I have to be honest, I went through all of the different phases, sometimes more than once and in no particular order I might add.  But I don't want to be one of those people that gets stuck.  I want to love again, believe in the goodness of people again and I feel confident that I will have all of those things again, in due time.  Just because I've made some very poor decisions in the past, doesnt mean I will always make them.  At least I hope not. 

I will be honest in saying that there is still a lot of hurt, anger and bitterness towards him but I know I have to let it go.  I don't want to consider that the last ten years were wasted years, there were a lot of good moments.  However, the longer I hold on to the anger, the hate, the bitterness, the more of my precious time is being consumed over someone that doesn't deserve a single thought or second of my life and all the goodness that I have to give wasted on him.

So here I am, two days before the end of this year filled with loss, pain and heartache.  I am closing the book on it all.  I am opening my heart and my soul to ALL of life's blessings and possibilities, knowing that I am well deserving of them all.

I wish all of you a Healthy, Happy and Prosperous New Year 2011.  I know in my heart that it's going to be a great year!!!



A day of true "Americana"

I woke up yesterday, completely unaware of what an unforgettable day was in store. My only real plan was to watch the Superbowl.  As everyone else in America, I was looking forward to an incredible game and hoping the Saints would bring home the Vince Lombardi trophy to New Orleans - a city well deserving of good news and celebration.

Being Superbowl week, Miami had been filled with hundreds of activities all around town, and I am ashamed to say I had not made it to a single one. However, the week was not yet over.

For those of us that don't necessarily enjoy standing among hundreds of half naked bodies at some free concert on South Beach, or attend a high fashion, all star-party for $1,000 a pop (not that I was invited), there were still some events in and around town that didn't revolve around the big game. One of those events was American Chronicles: The Art of Norman Rockwell at the Museum of Art Fort Lauderdale. My boyfriend and I had made a previous attempt to see it back in November when it first opened. We drove up to Fort Lauderdale, only to find out the museum was closed on Mondays. Although disappointed, we knew we'd have plenty of opportunities to come back.  Not so. 

It was 3:30 p.m. on Sunday, the last day of the exhibit, when we walked up to the museum only to find the line for tickets was almost around the block and with only 2 hours before the museum shut the doors. Having driven so far, we decided to give it a shot and wait to see if we'd have enough time to buy tickets, see the exhibit and drive back to Miami in time for Superbowl kick-off at 6:30 p.m.  I am thrilled we tried!!

Before yesterday, I really didn't know much about Norman Rockwell.  I had seen a few covers from The Saturday Evening Post which he became famous for and always found them charming. After yesterday's exhibit, however, I am now intrigued about his work and definitely intend to learn more about him. I found the exhibit to be just what the critics have written about him through the years, Norman Rockwell has a way of painting the reality of daily life in America in a somewhat idyllic way. His attention to the smallest detail; his unique way of telling a story and drawing the viewer into the picture and into the story are synonymous of his work. He represents American society in the 20th Century as "idyllic". Just a minute sampling of the hundreds of paintings I was fortunate enough to see.

It was now 6:15 p.m. when we headed back towards Miami. Obviously we were not going to make it home in time for kick off, but driving right by the stadium, we managed to see the fighter jets fly right above us - incredible!!

The entire world knows the final score of the game.  It was an unbelievable game. Both teams gave it their all and I really don't think anyone lost the game.  The Saints wanted and needed it more.  Of course it didn't hurt that they probably had almost the entire country pulling for them!!! Tomorrow should be an unforgettable homecoming and what a great kick-off to next week's Mardi Gras.

As if the day's events hadn't been exciting enough. After the game, my boyfriend began surfing the channels and came across the NASA channel. Don't ask me how, but one minute I was cleaning up our Superbowl snacks, and the next minute, 12:15 a.m. to be exact, I was packing up empanadas, my camera and my dog Cody.  We had decided to drive up to the Kennedy Space Center to try and see the Shuttle Endeavor take off on its last nightime launch before the space shuttle program is cancelled. Lift off was at 4:14 a.m.

We arrived at the Kennedy Space Center at 3:40 a.m.  As I write this, I still can't believe we actually did it.  What's more, I can't believe that I was fortunate enough to see something so incredible in my lifetime.  I really can't find the words to describe it.  You read all about it, you see it on t.v. but nothing can prepare you for that moment - "we have lift off".  The entire night sky lights up before your eyes as you watch a giant fire ball rise up into the sky above you and then disappears. It is something everyone should see at least once in their lifetime.  After seeing such an incredible sight, I'm sad to know that there are only 4 more shuttle missions left before the program is cancelled, and as of today, no other program to take it's place.

The launch itself took only a few minutes, but the memories will be engraved in my mind for the rest of my life.

In the last 24 hours I have experienced the best of America and what makes this country great - art, sports and space discovery!!!  What a truly blessed day it was.

Saints are the Superbowl Champions!!!!!

Superbowl Weekend Kicks Off - Go Saints!!!

Made in the U.S.A

Over the past week, we have been bombarded by the media with news of various Toyota recalls.  At first it was the floor mats, then the accelerator on four of their most popular models, then there was news that  the Prius may also be experiencing some problems...and finally this morning, the Lexus Hybrid. Although this is bad news for Toyota owners, it seems that the media has been focusing almost all of it's attention on "poor old Toyota"...as if there was anything poor about them. Public Relations gurus have been interviewed ad nauseum as to the long-term effects of the "brand's image" and how Toyota can bounce back from all of this negative publicity, if at all.

Our economy is at the lowest point it has been since the Great Depression and unemployment rates were at 10% (apparently the new numbers came out today and they have gone down slightly).  For those reasons alone, it amazes me that almost every item we as American consumers can get our hands on these days is "Made in China", or some other country other than the good old USA. Instead of worrying about the future of Mr. Toyota, why aren't people considering the option that Toyota's public relations nightmare could maybe be the US auto makers' blessing in disguise? Why don't the Big 3 take advantage of this situation and try to gain back some of the market share lost to Toyota and Honda over the past who knows how many years (too many I might add)? Why don't we as Americans try to understand the simple concept that we should all strive to help our economy by keeping products from being manufactured overseas instead of here in the USA.

The other day I was at a store shopping for a few things.  As a consumer, I have never much cared about where things were made; that is, until this past year when I couldn't help but read and hear about the dog food recalls, children's jewelry and toy recalls, drywall recalls, etc. from products made in China.  Now I try to make it a point not to buy things that say "Made in China" if I can help it.  (As you know, that is almost impossible nowadays). In any event, I picked up a plate and read "Made in the USA" and it brought a smile to my face.  Something so simple and yet so rare in the world of fast growing Capitalism where making a buck seems to come at the cost and health of the consumer, not to mention much needed jobs.

I'm sorry for Toyota, I've never owned one of their cars myself, but I hope that someone out there in Detroit will see this as a golden opportunity and run with it.

Friendship

Friendship means so many things to so many different people. Some people see their friends as someone to hang out with during their spare time, others actually see friends for what they can do for them or give them - maybe they can get them into the right social circles, into the "in" clubs. Some of us, like me, see friendship as something to be treasured, cherished, nurtured and valued.

As far back as I can remember, I was never one to have a ton of friends or find it particularly important for those friends to be part of the "in" crowd. Having moved around so much when I was young would make a person think I'd be good at making friends. Not so. Never being in a place long enough to establish great friendships made it all the more difficult to start new ones and to let people in.

So here I am, almost middle aged - I should have a rolodex full of friends but I don't, and I don't mind either. I know that the friends I have, value and cherish my friendship as much as I value and cherish theirs. We've been through thick and thin together, the good, the bad and the ugly. We have laughed together and cried together. Most importantly, we understand the value that each one of us has in the other's life. We respect each other's space and sense when that space is in fact a cry for help. We understand that friendship is a living, breathing thing and cannot be taken for granted.

Yet I'm sad to say that this has not always been the case. I have been disappointed more than once. Maybe I'm too naive. For years I believed that men and women could be friends. I have come to the realization that this is almost impossible. I say "almost" because I'm sure there are the exceptions...but that is what they are...exceptions. I think that when a man and a woman say they are friends, it means that only one of the two consider themselves a true friend. The other is only there hoping things will change or settling for whatever they can get. Everything is done hoping to change the feelings of the other person. It has happened to me more times than I would care to remember. The problem with this kind of friendship is that in the end, both of you loose. The person that hopes to win the other's affection looses because they will never get what they hope for, and the other looses when one day their friend is gone and they don't have the faintest idea why.

It really is true what they say - you can count (or should be able to count) your real friends in one hand.

I'm freezing down here....

Woke up today to a breezy, grey unusually cold winter's morning - not a typical Sunday morning in Miami by any means. I've lived in my house for nine years now and I've never had to turn on the heat - that is until this morning when I looked at the thermostat and realized it was 53 degrees inside!!! We're just not equipped to deal with this kind of weather. My beautiful flowers in the garden are in shock, frozen iguanas are dropping from the trees all over town and my poor babies don't know what to make of it all. Cody was shivering so I decided to wrap him up in his "binky". He wasn't so sure about the idea at first, but when he realized how cozy it felt, he decided to just go with it - doesn't he look adorable!!!

He wasn't the only one in shock with this morning's temperature. I walked out onto the patio and found a poor little salamander frozen on the ground. Grey and stiff as an icicle. I picked it up to throw it out and realized it wasn't dead when one of it's little feet moved. I felt so bad for it that I brought it inside. I know, I know, I'm nuts...but the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to think of myself as not being part of a "whole". Every little creature plays a small part in the big scheme of things. At least I think so. I find I can no longer just think of me as the center of it all, as though all the things that surround me don't matter somehow - because I think they do. Maybe my Buddhism studies helped change my perspective. Of course that doesn't apply to roaches...I haven't gone completely insane. Anyways, I'm very proud to say my new little friend is doing great. He's back to his beautiful green color and seems to be enjoying the cozy indoors.

Just as soon as things begin to warm up a bit in a day or two I'll say goodbye, with a warm fuzzy feeling that I did something really, really good today.

New Year's on Tybee Island

I began the New Year and the new decade on the beautiful island of Tybee. I had the incredible luck of coming across the most charming and quirky of cottages, Fish Camp, and on December 30th, 2009 I embarked on the long road trip from Miami with my boyfriend and 3 dogs in tow...yes, you read correctly...3 dogs (and we're not talking Taco Bell...more like Marley) towards the beautiful island of Tybee on the Georgia coast.

Fortunately, the road trip up was fairly uneventful - stopped for gas, the occasional bathroom breaks and some food. Listening to NPR, we were grateful we'd decided to drive instead of fly, especially given the nightmare at airports nationwide due to the latest Christmas Day terrorist attack.

I'm usually meticulous about researching my vacation destinations, but due to various un-forseen occurrences, I never got an opportunity to do so for this trip. We really had no idea what to expect when we got to Tybee, and boy, were we pleasantly surprised. Tybee reminded me of what Key Biscayne used to be 30 years ago before the cement towers and million dollar mansions took it over - a casual, down-to-earth, beach town where "everybody knows your name".

I can't say enough wonderful things about this quirky little cottage...it's blue facade and brightly painted shutters; the colorful sunroom overlooking the garden as well as the very cute flip flop room. I can only imagine it in its full splendor during the summer months; windows open, a soft ocean breeze, the smell of BBQ in the air, the sound of children's laughter as they ride past on their bikes, the faintest hint of salt in the air from the marshes nearby, not to mention the beautiful shade of gold that washes over everything at sunset.

Having visited in the winter, activities are somewhat limited on Tybee. Too cold to go to the beach, at least for this Miami girl - but not for the majority of the crazy locals, which I experienced first hand on New Year's Day. A hundred or so of what I can only categorized as "out of their mind" locals gathered at the beach on a grey, freezing, rainy morning on Tybee to partake in an annual tradition - The Polar Bear Plunge. These insane people, some dressed as Santa, Smurfs, brides, crabs and everything in between, decided there was nothing better to do than to jump into the freezing cold water while other smart people like me, all bundled up in our winter's best outfits (and were still freezing), watched them. I do hope that it was for charity and not just for a silly t-shirt.

Memories I will take away from my few days on Tybee are many. But if one stands out more than any other, it's the reminder of old days gone by; when everyone had time to say hello, go the extra mile to help and just be kind. It's amazing how accustomed we've gotten living here in Miami to rudeness. Being kind should be the norm but has unfortunately become the exception. Thank you Tybee and it's locals for an unforgettable New Year's. Oh...and did I forget to mention...how about them Fried Green Tomatoes....I finally got to try them...and OMG...to die for.